Zambia’s Women Empowerment Agency has issued a tongue-in-cheek yet serious warning to President Hakainde Hichilema: “Don’t open Pandora’s box by making DNA tests free, unless you want mass divorces and fatherless homes!”
Speaking in Lusaka, agency’s Director, Martha Tembo, didn’t mince her words. “Your Excellency, if you make DNA testing free, forget 2026. You’ll be the first president in Zambia to lose an election because of paternity scandals!” she quipped.
She also issued a not-so-subtle warning: “If the (ruling) UPND doesn’t reverse course, we’ll mobilize every married woman in this country to vote them out. Mark my words no government survives when angry wives unite.”
According to Ms. Tembo, the proposed policy is a direct threat to national peace and the sanctity of the ‘it’s-your-child-whether-it-looks-like-you-or-not’ doctrine many households have quietly adopted.
“Let’s not pretend,” she continued. “Statistics and aunties at kitchen parties confirm what many fear: about 40% of married women have engaged in extramarital affairs. Now imagine every man rushing for a free DNA test like it’s Black Friday. It’ll be chaos. Marriages will collapse, children will be abandoned, and the courts won’t even have time to breathe!”
Instead, Ms. Tembo proposed that Zambia borrow a page from Tanzania’s playbook: “Over there, if a man is married to a woman, all children born in that marriage are legally his, no questions asked, no swabs needed. That’s the African way. That’s how we preserve unity, sanity, and Sunday family lunch.”Family vacation packages
Whether President HH will heed the “comedic yet cautionary” advice remains to be seen. But one thing is certain if free DNA testing is approved, Zambian drama is about to hit new reality TV levels.
